Hang jokes

me: calls suicide hotline. hotline lady: suicide hotline, how are you doing today? me: not much, just hanging.

A depressed kid wanted to give me a high five.

I just left him hanging.

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

What fell down the tree first, the emo or the apple?

Guess what? The apple, because the emo got left hanging.

What is worse than a baby getting hanged in a tree?

That same baby getting hanged in multiple trees.

Question: What happened to the depressed kid who tried to high five a tree?

Answer: He was left hanging.

Do y'all know the saying "Hang in there?" Well, fuck that, because I might as well be hanging myself.

So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.

The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.

So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.

Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)

Frank: Yo

Fred: Hi...

Frank: U heard about de competition?

Fred: Yeah...

Frank: You wanna hang out?

Fred: .......

Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.

Fred: ...I(

Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.

Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.

A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.

The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"

The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"

What do apples and witches have in common? They both hang on trees.

My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."

I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."

Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread.

That’s about to become a rope around my neck.

What game do emo kids love the most?

Hangman.

It’s OK if emo kids always hang from the trees, but if we do it, it’s considered against the law.

What do you not say to an Emo if you want them to come round? "Wanna hang out."

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

Who did the cow want to hang with?

The udders.

Why did the emo break up with her boyfriend?

He didn't wanna hang out.

I know this place may be cruel, but hang in there!