Grandpa jokes

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

People say my dad left me and was never successful, but if you search up who destroyed the Twin Towers, he will pop up.

Also, my mom's great grandpa killed Hitler.

When you're walking through the garden section at Walmart and you hear your grandpa screaming, "They're in the fucking trees!"

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.

Why did the grandpa leave the house to go to the grocery store?

To get the ice cream for the grandma.

What did mum say when grandpa called?

Boomerang.

My grandpa died to ligma :(

LIGMA BALLS!

Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.

Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!

My great grandpa killed Hitler.

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."

Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.

The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d*ck reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well, no sir." And grandpa said then no, you can't.

Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said, "Let me get a hit of that," and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d*ck reach your a**?" and Johnny said no again. And then papaw was shootin' his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d*ck reached his a**, and Johnny said no.

Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d*ck reach your a**?" and papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f*ck yourself 'cause you ain't gettin' none of my ice cream!"

My grandpa was the goat, he killed Hitler! 🥳🥳🥳

When you unplug the charger to charge your phone, but you realize it was plugged into your grandpa's life support:

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa said he had a glimpse of it in the 1960s.

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

My grandpa was a great pilot, but he died on September 11, 2001.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"