Grandpa jokes

I have WWII in my blood since my great-grandfather killed Hitler.

Grandpa's last words: "Why do you have a chainsaw?"

You wonder and you wonder. Grandma said you better go to bed now. Tell your dad and grandpa, and your dad and your mom.

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"

I will never forget my Grandpa's last words: "What are you doing with that rope and saw?"

You're so bald, Bob Hope would refer to you as "grandpa."

What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?

Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.

My grandfather loves Hitler. They both had one ball.

Two of my grandpas died in WW2.

Their tower fell over.

Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."

1: My grandpa died last year.

2: What kind of cancer?

1: He was hit by a bus! It's called bus cancer.

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

My grandpa asked me to pass him his phone, but I passed him a calculator. He couldn't tell the difference.

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

My grandpa has the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Ya, I have a Hydro Flask.

H: My Y: Grandpa D: Sticks R: His O: Cock F: Up L: My A: Ass S: K:

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

Why'd my grandpa fall over?

'Cause I clapped his cheeks, fool!