Grandpa jokes

My grandpa died to ligma :(

LIGMA BALLS!

Q. When is your grandfather's bedtime?

A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.

An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.

After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."

Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.

The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."

My great grandpa killed Hitler.

My fondest childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather. That is, until my mom took the urn away from me.

My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"

My grandpa was the goat, he killed Hitler! 🥳🥳🥳

My grandpa was a great pilot, but he died on September 11, 2001.

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

My Dad said he got me from the shops, and I remembered what Grandpa said about him.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

My grandpa personally killed 3 German pilots. He was the worst mechanic Luftwaffe had.

"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."

My grandpa died during World War II. He was the best concentration camp guard they have ever seen. RIP.

One day Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigar. Johnny said, "Can I have a puff?"

Grandpa said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

Later that day, Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a drink. Johnny said, "Can I have a sip?"

Grandpa said the same thing, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

Later that night, Johnny was eating some cookies in the kitchen. Grandpa said, "Hi son, can I have a cookie?"

Johnny said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandpa said, "Yes."

Johnny said, "Good, go fuck yourself!"

My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔

Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.

My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.