Grandpa jokes
Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...
"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"
"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."
My grandpa was the best soldier ever. He gunned down over 100 soldiers in his bunker during D-Day.
What did my grandpa say after he kicked the bucket?
Nothing, I unplugged his life support before he said a word.
Two of my grandpas died in WW2.
Their tower fell over.
My grandfather loves Hitler. They both had one ball.
I'm so proud of my Grandpa. He killed Hitler himself.
My grandpa kept warning the people on the Titanic that the boat was going to sink. Result: he got kicked out of the movie theater.
Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.
Me: Cool, what rank of officer?
Jim: SS.
Me:...
My grandpa has the heart of a lion,
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
I was at school when I remembered I forgot my necklace, then I screamed out, "Shit, I forgot Grandpa!"
Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well no sir." And grandpa said, then no, you can't.
Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said let me get a hit of that, and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And Johnny said no again. Then papaw was shooting his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d**k reached his a**, and Johnny said no.
Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d**k reach your a**?" And papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f**k yourself because you ain't getting none of my ice cream!"
Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa!
Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?
Child: I just felt like it.
The next day, the Grandpa is dead.
Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.
Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma.
Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?
Child: I just felt like it.
The next day, the Grandma is dead.
Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.
Child: Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy!
Dad: Oh no. If I survive until tomorrow, everything will be okay!
Survives until tomorrow.
Dad: Whew! That was nice! *Goes to house*
Mom: Honey! I was so worried about you! The mailman just dropped dead on our porch!
(If you don't get it, the mailman is the biological father)
I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"
I remember Grandpa's last words, "Oh, shit! It's in drive!"
Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.
Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!
Your hairline is so far back my grandpa said he had a glimpse of it in the 1960s.
Q. When is your grandfather's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”
When you unplug the charger to charge your phone, but you realize it was plugged into your grandpa's life support:
This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.