Grandpa jokes

Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.

My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.

Me: *Realizes*

I have the heart of my mom, the face of my dad, the eyes of my grandpa, the ears of my grandma, and the hair of my uncle. We don't look anything alike; I just collect body parts.

You're so bald, Bob Hope would refer to you as "grandpa."

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa said he had a glimpse of it in the 1960s.

Bro, the Twin Towers are like my grandpa and his friends. One survived—my grandpa. The others have fallen—his friends.

Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!

People say my dad left me and was never successful, but if you search up who destroyed the Twin Towers, he will pop up.

Also, my mom's great grandpa killed Hitler.

Why'd my grandpa fall over?

'Cause I clapped his cheeks, fool!

When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.

He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.

I was at school when I remembered I forgot my necklace, then I screamed out, "Shit, I forgot Grandpa!"

My Grandpa was supposed to be in 9/11, but airport security got him.

Knock knock. "Who's there?" Not your grandpa, he crashed the plane.

My grandpa died in 9/11. He crashed a plane.

My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My grandma said, "Hey, you want a Butterfinger cause I do?"

Me: Grandpa's in the kitchen if you want a finger.

My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

What's My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa?

His life insurance...

One day Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking a cigar. Johnny said, "Can I have a puff?"

Grandpa said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

Later that day, Johnny saw his grandpa drinking a drink. Johnny said, "Can I have a sip?"

Grandpa said the same thing, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Johnny said, "No, then that's your answer."

Later that night, Johnny was eating some cookies in the kitchen. Grandpa said, "Hi son, can I have a cookie?"

Johnny said, "Can your dick touch your ass?"

Grandpa said, "Yes."

Johnny said, "Good, go fuck yourself!"

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.