Gift jokes
One day every kid at the orphanage got coal for Christmas. It was the second worst day of their lives.
What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.
Did you know if you give a guy a plane ticket, he flies once, but if you push him out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
I saw a depressed kid and I gave him a lamp to lighten up his day.
I gave Helen Keller an Oculus and AirPods for her 12th birthday, and she hated them and me.
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.
The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"
The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."
The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"
The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."
The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"
The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"
The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."
Little Brown Bear (LBB): Why did Santa take the kitty and all of my toys, Mummy?
His mom: Maybe because you're the second most massive shit stain besides Caillou.
*Krampus comes down the chimney to eat LBB*
Krampus: Should’ve been better, Little Bear.
LBB: Help, Mummy! He’s the Scratchy monster!
Shrek: Just kidding, it’s not Krampus, but indeed me and Black Donkey instead, and we’re going to poop on your floor.
Duggie: Hopefully Marvin doesn’t see us, and by the way, want some purplish Kool-Aid?
I bought a book for my blind friend.
So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic, autistic baby get for Christmas? AIDs.
What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?
"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."
My lesbian neighbors and my sister gave me a Rolex for my birthday. I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanted a watch.
My girlfriend said she wanted to be pampered. I told her I wasn't into diaper fetishes.
So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I bought this happy birthday card for this orphan.
To: The Orphan
From: ______
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.