Get jokes

I told my friend that someone accused him of blowing dead bears. I said I defended him by responding that I saw 1 get up and walk away.

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? -- Tequila Mockingbird.

I asked an emo girl if she gets jealous when her phone dies.

My wife said if I don't get off the computer, she's gonna slam my head into the keyboard, but I think I'll ajlkfsdhnvkwr;anhf.

Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.

My jokes are like kids with cancer; they never get old.

What gets louder as it gets smaller? A baby in a trash compactor.

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Why did a bisexual man wanted a physically handicapped ♿ 👨‍💼 👨 👬 gay man to give him a anonymous blowjob under the stall inside the men'restroom 🚻 🚹 at a restarea? because getting a blowjob from a call girl 👧 cost $75.00 👬 👬 👬 👬 👬 👬 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 👬 👬 👬 👬 👬 🌭 🌭 🌭 🌭 🌭

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.

So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman, slightly annoyed, gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.

Stephen Hawking isn't dead, he's just can't walk to the shop and get new batteries. 🙄

Why do so many people get charged with rape? Because they are too stupid to finish her off and bury the body.

Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain. "Quick, let's swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!"

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

How did Stephen Hawking get up the stairway to heaven?

Cannibal eats missionary, gets a taste for religion.

If you see a woman get raped, don't bother helping. After all, they are independent and need no man.

Cheer on the rapist if you want.

What did the pornstar say to the unemployed homeless man?

Get a fucking job.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.