Get Jokes

Why should you be friends with emos? Because you get to scan their bar code for 20% off, and when it expires, they get rid of themselves.

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"

"Africa," the parrot replied.

ssundee: "If this video gets to 100k likes, I'll post part 2."

SSUNDEE WIFE: "SHUT THE #### UP!"

Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got 5 fingers, she will get 2.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

What's so great about dead baby jokes? They never get old.

A screenshot of a Twitter post by @upblissed, asking if @MrBlackOG searched up "gang." Below, a tweet from Mr. Black says that he was banned from Google, because of several requests from the United States Government regarding the topics he was searching for over the last 5 years. The text says, "You no longer have permission to use Google, nor make a new Gmail account under your name. If we are made aware that you are trying to make a new account, legal action will be taken." Mr. Black can return to Google on June 26, 2033.

I'll never forget my Grandad's last words... "Son, where did you get a grenade from?!"

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

What’s the best way to get a baby out of a blender? Tortilla Chips.

Wanted to get the scoop on history of ice cream, so I went to Sunday school.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Why can't all guys be more like Kenny? He doesn't get all upset when his mom isn't in the mood.

Q. What does Kenny get when he hugs his mom?

A. A boner.

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."

My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.

So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

A man gets an email from his doctor.

"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."

The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"

If you see a woman get raped, don't bother helping. After all, they are independent and need no man.

Cheer on the rapist if you want.

What's the difference between orphans and apples?

Apples get picked.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pal of water. Me: incorrect, two pals of water, one to refresh from running up a hill and the one you went to get. I’m sick af from these stories.