Get jokes

What's worse than getting raped in a cemetery? Finding someone else's semen in your mom's corpse.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a hockey player?

A hockey player gets to shower after three periods.

What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican? A “BeanerSchnitzel”!

When do you know you are getting a good deal on a boat? -- When there's a sail on it.

A brunette fought and didn't get raped.

A blonde thought and did get raped.

Why did the royal wedding get more publicity than a school shooting?

Cause a royal wedding doesn't happen once a week.

Dark humor is like water.

Not everybody gets it.

Why is the bible like a penis You get it forced down your throat by a priest

I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."

I hope you get raped by a chimp in the forest

Q: How do you get a one armed person out of a tree?

A: You wave at them.

Why do orphans go to church on family day? cuz they get to spend time with their father.

What do you call a couple Mexicans getting stoned in a bush? Buches baked breans.

You know, I got a SKELETON of these jokes. All are HUMERUS. Yeah, this gets under people’s SKIN, but I guess you could call their FUNNY BONE BROKEN! People try and hit me when this happens, luckily, I got THICK SKIN! Yeah, thanks for listening. Hope you got these puns down TO THE BONE!

The daughter of an incestuous pedophile goes into the living room where he is watching TV and asks him if she can borrow the car that evening.

"Sure honey! If you suck my dick!"

So she gets down on him but something is wrong. She pops her head up and says: "Dad! This tastes like shit!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot," says the father. "I already gave your brother the car for tonight."

How do you get gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

What happens when a black person gets in a car? The check oil light turns on.

A man is meeting a client in Japan, but arrives a day early. When night hit, he went out with a prostitute. They're having sex, but the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!", so the man thinks he's doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing, and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!". His client turns around confused and says, "What do you mean wrong hole!?"

New civil war themed porn title: “Harriet Tubman gets hit with something other than an iron ingot.”

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”