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Life is too short, just like me. Get roasted, short people!
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Q: Why did the emo kid get jealous on Xmas?
A: He saw the ornaments hanging.
Why is Death the world's biggest slut?
Death gets to f*** everyone.
Yo Mama is so fat that Nationwide took nine years to get on her side.
A kindergarten teacher was telling a story...
A kindergarten teacher was telling a story about a farmer walking around the farm talking to the animals. She was trying to get the kids to interact, speak up, and to use their imaginations.
"Mister Farmer stopped at the cow, and the cow said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Susie, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Susie says "He said 'Good morning Mrs. Cow!'"
"Mister Farmer stopped at the pig next, and the pig said 'Good morning, Mister Farmer!'. Johnny, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Johnny says "He said 'Good morning Mr. Pig!'"
"Mister Farmer stopped at the chicken, and the Chicken said 'Morning, Mister Farmer!'. Billy, what do you thing the farmer said next?"
Billy says "The farmer said 'Holy shit, that chicken is fucking talking!'"
How do you put a baby in a blender feet first so you can see its facial expressions?
How do you get the baby out? With a tortilla chip!
What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples get picked.
Why can an orphan only get an iPhone X?
Because there is no home button.
Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.
Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
An apple gets picked.
My girlfriend told me her lips were dry, and she had the audacity to get mad at me for telling her to walk.
I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.
Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!
You're so ugly and fat, and you're so lazy you can't even get your ass up and walk.
What do you get when you cross a pedophile and an elementary school? Predator 3.
Man 1: Hey, I heard you survived a school shooting. What was it like?
Man 2: People were screaming and running everywhere. I was only able to get a few of them.
My ex-wife misses me, but her aim is getting better.
How to get 60 Translink workers? Please head out of the pool because ya'll are fat. Oh wait, didn't you poop yourself? Say sorry to your underwear while pooping as a fat Canadian Translink worker, little boy.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.