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How did Stephen Hawking get up the stairway to heaven?

If you see a woman get raped, don't bother helping. After all, they are independent and need no man.

Cheer on the rapist if you want.

What did the pornstar say to the unemployed homeless man?

Get a fucking job.

In honor of Michael Jackson, Starbucks is introducing the 'Jackson Latte'. It's 50 year old coffee, with 8 year old cream. Get it while supplies last.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.

"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

"Cancer."

Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.

ssundee: "If this video gets to 100k likes, I'll post part 2."

SSUNDEE WIFE: "SHUT THE #### UP!"

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"

"Africa," the parrot replied.

Me: Can I get your mom's number?

Friend: Here you go:

Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.

Why can't all guys be more like Kenny? He doesn't get all upset when his mom isn't in the mood.

Wanted to get the scoop on history of ice cream, so I went to Sunday school.

Why did the wetback cross the river? To get to the US.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got 5 fingers, she will get 2.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

What's so great about dead baby jokes? They never get old.

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

How can you compare a gay prostitute to Pacman?

They both get paid to eat 200 balls!