Get jokes

Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain. "Quick, let's swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!"

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

Cannibal eats missionary, gets a taste for religion.

How did Stephen Hawking get up the stairway to heaven?

If you see a woman get raped, don't bother helping. After all, they are independent and need no man.

Cheer on the rapist if you want.

What did the pornstar say to the unemployed homeless man?

Get a fucking job.

In honor of Michael Jackson, Starbucks is introducing the 'Jackson Latte'. It's 50 year old coffee, with 8 year old cream. Get it while supplies last.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.

"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

"Cancer."

Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.

ssundee: "If this video gets to 100k likes, I'll post part 2."

SSUNDEE WIFE: "SHUT THE #### UP!"

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"

"Africa," the parrot replied.

Me: Can I get your mom's number?

Friend: Here you go:

Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.

Why can't all guys be more like Kenny? He doesn't get all upset when his mom isn't in the mood.

Wanted to get the scoop on history of ice cream, so I went to Sunday school.

Why did the wetback cross the river? To get to the US.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got 5 fingers, she will get 2.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

What's so great about dead baby jokes? They never get old.

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.