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A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor...

So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.

He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"

Why did the basketball player not get on the bus?

Because he couldn’t be caught travelling! 😂

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly... and for the same reason.

Trump and Biden didn’t get the memo.

What does a bridge and a fat chick have in common They both get laid by Mexicans

Why did the depressed kid cross the road?

To get hit by a car.

Me: *gets down on one knee*

Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!

Me: *falls over*

Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor?

Because it can't hit home.

Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"

Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."

Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"

Dad: "That isn't the remote."

*Weird background music*

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple? Apples get picked.

What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.

What time is it when you can drive a house? Time to get a wheelchair.

How do you fit a baby in a bowl? ... A blender... and how do you get it out?

Tortilla chips.

My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.

See, morbid humor is just like water, not everyone gets it.

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.

The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.

If this post gets 200 likes or comments, I will show up in a MrBeast video.

What starts with the letter M, ends with -arriage and is a man's favorite thing? Miscarriage. That joke never gets old, just like the baby.

How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?

9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.