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My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

If her age is on the clock, she gets the cock.

Tibia honest, it takes a lot of spine to memorize all the bones in the skeletal system. I mean, there's a skele-ton of em! You gotta be boned up for the skeletal system exam, buddy chum pal. Now that was a humerus ribtickling skelepun. Besides, if ya don't know all of the bones in the skeletal system, get boned, fucking numbskull. Did those tickle your funny bone? Now I've been working down to the bone typing these puns, kid. Now if you hate all these, I won't be bothered, I got thick skin! But first, lemme take a skelfie in the skelevator playing my trom-bone. Now, I gotta go to Grillby's. They got a discount on spare-ribs. Bone-voyage, my homeslice breadslice dawg.

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

What did the racist serial killer say to the cop?

“Wait, you’re getting paid?”

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

This one kid I knew had Down syndrome, and he turned a mirror upside down trying to get rid of it.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple? Apples get picked.

What’s the worst song to play in front of a vegetable? “James Brown - Get on Up”

What’s the worst song to play in front of a handicapped kid? “Van Halen - Jump”

What's the worst song to play in front of a black man in Minneapolis? “I Can't Breathe - Juice Wrld”

Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"

Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."

Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"

Dad: "That isn't the remote."

*Weird background music*

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor?

Because it can't hit home.

Me: *gets down on one knee*

Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!

Me: *falls over*

Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.

Why did the depressed kid cross the road?

To get hit by a car.

What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly... and for the same reason.

Trump and Biden didn’t get the memo.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Get over here so I can fuck you.

What does a bridge and a fat chick have in common They both get laid by Mexicans

Why did the basketball player not get on the bus?

Because he couldn’t be caught travelling! 😂

So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.

He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"

How do you fit a baby in a bowl? ... A blender... and how do you get it out?

Tortilla chips.