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Michael Jackson gets really ill, so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there, he says, "Am I in heaven?"

The doctor replies, "Nah, sir, we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward."

What did the mentally retarded kid get on his test?

Drool.

Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

What animal gets easily offended? The chicken; they always get roasted.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

Why are orphans so good at tennis?

Because that’s the only love they get.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple gets picked.

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back.

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes, I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it, "I'll get you some food once we get off."

I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.

What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?

Raped.

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson? Hey, get out of my sun!

I'm just here to say that I don't approve of political jokes.

I've seen too many of them get elected.

What's the difference between orphans and apples?

Apples get picked.

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?

An amputation.

Why did the bum get a slap?

Because it was being too cheeky.