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A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."
A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.
After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.
After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?
An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"
What do you get when King Kong steps on Batman and Robin?
Flatman and Ribbon.
Why don’t witches wear underwear?
To get a better grip on their broom.
Memes
Q: Why do depressed people always have colored hair?
A: That’s as close as they can get to dye.
Parents: "I'm taking your toys to the orphanage." Kid: "Why?" Parents: "So you don't get bored there."
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
What school subject does an orphan love?
PE because they actually get picked.
Why do kids prefer to spend more time with their dad than their mom?
They already know that their dad is gonna get "Milk" and never return.
Fortnite is just like high school. You get off the bus and start shooting everybody.
Do you get jealous of your clothes when they hang from the line?
How do you get an emo kid to jump?
A bridge.
If you want to get mental damage, visit the site:
https://schlechtewitze.com
The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.
Why'd the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the gay (guys/girls) house.
(Wait awhile) then ask “knock knock?” Other person says “Who’s there?”
A: The chicken.
What do you call Amber Heard crying during the lawsuit?
A DEPPression.
(If you are a fan of either Johnny Depp or Amber Heard, you might get the joke).
I have a dog named Syndrome.
But it gets kinda awkward when he jumps on someone and I have to shout, "DOWN SYNDROME!"
What's the best way to get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
If you ever get mad at a person that crumpled their leg, don't forget that they can hide, but they can't run.