Get jokes

What's the difference between light and hard?

It's easy to get to sleep with a light on.

Why didn't Sally get home from work?

She got hit by a bus.

Surely people would consider putting pedals on wheelchairs so that their arms don't get tired.

Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”

“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”

Girls are just like rocks; the flat ones get skipped.

How do you get 4 gay guys on a bar stool? You turn it upside down.

How do you get them back off again? You jerk them off.

Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?

It can't hit home.

How do you fit a baby into a shoebox?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

Tortilla chips.

What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

I hate it when disabled people get bullied...

... because they can't stand up for themselves.

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.

The people in Florida yelling "White Power!" is amusing, because when they get permanent sunburn from the Florida sun, they are not white anymore.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

Why can't Mexicans play Uno?

Because they can't get a green card.

what did the pedophile say to the kid?

"Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, get in the van."

You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?

It's where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.

How do you avoid getting raped? Just don't say no!

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."