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WARNING OFFENSIVE: What is the difference between a redhead and a brick? ... A brick gets laid.
A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"
Why didn't Sally get home from work?
She got hit by a bus.
What did the little boy say to the fat man?
How many Japs did you get?
What's the difference between light and hard?
It's easy to get to sleep with a light on.
Q: Why did the chef get fired?
A: He took cooking advice from Hitler!
Why did the family get mad at the boy for eating at the funeral?
While trying to season his food, he mistook his cremated grandfather for salt.
What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?
"Get off me homes."
A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."
Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”
“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor jokes?
It can't hit home.
Why did Hitler stop playing Golf?
He kept getting stuck in the Bunker.
Emo kids counting be like: 1, 2, 3 come hang with me! 4, 5, 6 Gonna get new slits! 7, 8, 9 Suicide! 10, 11, 12 Bring some pills!
Girls are just like rocks; the flat ones get skipped.
Everyone: So, wait, let me get this straight. Feminists want to cancel Father's Day because it is offensive to single mothers.
Feminists: Correct.
Everyone: Then what the f*** is the point of Mother's Day?
How do you fit a baby into a shoebox?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
Tortilla chips.
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.
I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.