Get Jokes

How do you fit a baby into a shoebox?

A blender.

How do you get them out?

Tortilla chips.

Girls are just like rocks; the flat ones get skipped.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

How do you get 4 gay guys on a bar stool? You turn it upside down.

How do you get them back off again? You jerk them off.

Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.

"You only get offended because it's true"

The text on the image reads "LGBT: LOVE IS LOVE! AIDS:". The image below the text shows a man in a gray suit and purple tie sitting in a chair with a smirk on his face.

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

I hate it when disabled people get bullied...

... because they can't stand up for themselves.

I'll always remember my grandpa's last words.

"Are you getting the knife?"

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?

Mourning wood.

So skinny you have to run around in the shower to get wet.

Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.

Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

I never get school shooting jokes.

Maybe they're aimed at a younger audience.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Q: An apple gets picked.

Little Johnny is in class one day, and little Timmy starts laughing. The teacher says, "What's so funny?" He said, "I can see your bra strap." The teacher says, "Don't come back to class for a week," so he gets up and walks out. A few minutes later, little Billy starts laughing, and she asks, "What's funny now?" Little Billy said, "I can see both of your bra straps." The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom for a month." So little Billy got pissed, he walked out and slammed the door. This scared the teacher, and she dropped the chalk. She picked it up, then she stood back up, and she sees little Johnny walking out of the classroom. She asked, "Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Well, teach, after what I saw, I'm done with school for a lifetime."

A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."