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A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.
The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.
So, there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here, so take your drink, mates, and fuck off."
He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense," replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, he's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!" He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink, he opens with, "Say, aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? She had no arms.
What did Sarah get for Christmas? I dunno, she hasn't opened it yet.
Knock knock...
Who's there?
Not Sarah.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands. (This joke is good because it never gets old.)
My wife said if I don't get off the computer, she's gonna slam my head into the keyboard, but I think I'll ajlkfsdhnvkwr;anhf.
Girls be like
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
He was out-standing.
Why do orphans never play baseball?
'Cause they can never get a home run.
If a heterosexual man gets anonymous oral sex from another heterosexual man at a glory hole, it's called a "brojob", but if a homophobic heterosexual man gets anonymous oral sex from a gay man at a glory hole, it's still called a "brojob". Does it cycle now?
What do you get when you put a baby in a box filled with glass and nails and push it down the stairs?
... A boner.
What did the planes say when they were smashing or passing the Twin Towers?
Smash.
(Get it?) 9/11.
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
Some bread teacher: What will Reddit be in a few years?
Dumb Kid: DEADit?
Bread Teacher: You get an FY for FUCK YOU!
Bread Teacher: It will be BREADit!
Student: Hah, that's VERY funny! Might as well go to DEADit so I can die of laughter.
Why did the orphan try to get hurt?
Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.
He looks around, no one is there.
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
What does the Gay Garlic do when it gets hot? It takes it's CLOVES off. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Like if you LOL every time 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The cemetery is so crowded, people are just dying to get in.
Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.
What do kids with cancer and cancer jokes have in common?
They never get old.