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What did your mom get for Christmas?
A big black horse dildo.
Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?
He kept cutting in line.
There is this fish, and this fish thinks if that fly drops 6 inches, I’m gonna jump out the water and eat that fucking fish!
Then there is a bear, he thinks if that fly drops six inches, that fish jumps up - I’m gonna run out there and eat that fucking fish!
This huntsman also thinks to himself 🧐 if that fly drops six inches, fish jumps up, bear runs out, eats the fish. I’m gonna shoot that fucking bear.
Unbelievably there is a tiny little brave mouse, who also thinks to himself 🧐 if that fly drops six inches, fish jumps, bear runs, huntsman shoots,
He’s bound to drop that cheese sandwich in his back pocket!!!!
I’m gonna eat that fucking cheese sandwich!!
Meanwhile...
there’s This cat!!!’ He sees what’s going on - if they fly drops six inches -the fish =bear =huntsman =mouse eating the cheese sarnie....
Easy pickings...
Anyway bang 💥 the fly drops six inches. Fish jumps up. Bear grabs the fish. Huntsman shoots the fucking bear,
DROPS HIS CHEESE SARNIE!!
Cat runs after mouse trying to get the cheese sarnie
The cat slips over him (stacks it) cat falls in the river...
LONG STORY I KNOW BUT THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS...
every time a fly drops six inches a pussy get wet)
WALLOP... try remembering all that in A pub pissed. Xx
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
What do a fat woman and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
GET IN THE VAN!!
What kind of rape victim has a shower ten times a day?
The type that gets raped a lot.
I was going home and 3 guys came up to me: an Italian, a Black guy, and a Spanish guy. They said, "You should be a proud brother, your sister knows her meats." I didn't know what they were talking about. They said, "Your sister won a trophy, you will see it when you get home." I went home. My sister said, "Look, I won a trophy by knowing my meats." I said, "What do you mean?" She said, "Well, 3 guys blindfolded me and I gave them a blowjob, each one of them, and I guessed which flavor it was. I was right all the time, that's how I won my trophy." As a big brother, I couldn't be any prouder.
I don't know if this is a joke or a question, but:
If killing yourself sends you to hell, where does sitting in the waiting room get you?
A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"
Why does NASA only serve Coke?
Because they can't get Seven-Up!
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
He was out-standing.
What's the worst part about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car?
Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half.
One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.
One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet with her son. Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Yes, it is,” the man replies. “You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks. “No thanks,” the man replies. “I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. “OK. How much?” the man replies, after considering the position he was in. “Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats. “That’s awful expensive,” but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway, and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off. “Yes, it is,” replies the man. “Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks. “OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “Fifty dollars,” the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.” “I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy. “How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. “Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Don’t you start that crap in here,” the priest says.
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
When the quiet kid gets angry and the sped kid sees your hiding spot.
Bing, bang, boom!
How are apples and orphans different?
Apples get picked.