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What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple?

One gets picked.

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

What does Michael Jackson and a TV have in common? They both get turned on by kids.

What's the difference between cotton and an orphan?

One gets picked.

Me vs. the emo kid: we go to high-five a tree. I get a high five; the emo kid is left hanging.

What's a reversed exorcism?

It's when it's the demon who's telling the priest to get out of the child's body.

Your mama's so fat when she sat on the toilet, the toilet said, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, get your fat ass off of me!"

Why can't an orphan go to school? He needs a parent admission form to get in.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Apples get picked.

The Twin Towers should've known they were gonna get hit when their mom said, "Here comes the airplane!"

Why do prepubescent orphan girls love pedophiles? Because they get to call someone “Daddy”.

I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick. Get your head out of the gutters... Jeez!

My dad went to get milk from Tesco’s.

He never came back.

What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

I went to school with a gay guy who was really smart, but he always got mad that he got straight A's instead of getting all the D's.

How do you get an orphan to go to sleep?

Tell them their parents are waiting when they wake up.

"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

That's what Elliot Rodger did.

I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.

Now I can’t get it to shut up.