What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
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A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"
The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"
The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
An chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.
The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
What's the difference between a baby and a salad?
Most people don't get angry when you toss a salad.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
I don't know. He hasn't opened it yet.
Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand store!
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
What STD can you get from phone sex?
Hearing AIDS.
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
Where did the sheep get a haircut?
At the baa-baa shop.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It gets really tense.
What do Colorado and Saudi Arabia have in common?
It's legal to get stoned.
What did one fish say to the other?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
The early bird might get the worm...
But the second mouse gets the cheese.
What is the second hardest thing in the morning?
Getting up.
