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Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor...
Why did the pedophile cross the road?
To get to the other preschool.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
If you have a daughter, give her the same name as the mum; that way when you call for a beer, you get two beers, and when you call for sex, you get two sex...
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked, "Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, "Well, the damn neighbor Sally's braces are too sharp."
How many times do you tickle an octopus to get it to laugh?
Ten-tickles!
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.
I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”
How do crazy people get through a forest?
They take the psycho-path!
What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat? Banned from the petting zoo!
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Why did Jake cross the road? To get a Hagen Daz bar.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock.
What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?
Gloves!
JK, he hasn't opened it yet.
The radio is a player—it always gets turned on by lots of different people.
What do you get if you add "ER" onto Hamburg?
Hamburg-ER.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
What did Sally get for Christmas?
Cancer.