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"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"
"Cancer."
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan? An apple gets picked.
Why have kids? Just go get one now, no nine-month delay.
Teacher: What does a cow say?
Susie: Moo.
Teacher: Good. Now what does a duck say?
Jimmy: The duck goes quack.
Teacher: Now what does a pig say?
Little Jonny: A pig says, "Get up against the wall, you black motherfucker!"
How do you fit a baby in a glass?
A blender.
How do you get it out?
Explosives!
Why do orphans like going to church?
Because they actually get to say "father" for once.
Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?
Mom: No.
Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
If I stepped on a Twix, would you get mad?
My mom told me to get dressed, and I said, "For what? Are we going to the rodeo?"
What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.
How do bees get to school?
They go on a school buzz.
A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.
Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'
Get a head in life by decapitating someone.
What's the difference between an orphan and a dog?
A dog gets adopted.
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business.
What do you get when a dinosaur farts?
A blast from the past!
Why can't you eat cereal?
Because your dad never came back from getting the milk!
Why did the chicken cross the road to get away from this conversation?
Boy: "Mister, can I get candy?"
Mister: No, you shit head.
Boy: Why? :(
Mister: Because I'm not your dad.