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I was lying on the bed the other night and my missus was playing with my cock, trying to get it to go hard. She asked me what's the matter? I said, "I just don't find women without hair very attractive."

A teacher walked up to me and said, "How did we get butt cracks?"

I was like 4, so I said, "You had an earthquake on your booty."

Bootylicious lol

A handicapped person and an orphan get into a fight. The orphan says, "At least I have two functional legs." The handicapped person says, "At least I have two functional parents."

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

Why can't orphans get five stars in GTA?

Because they're not wanted.

Your mama so fat when she sits on the toilet it sings, "ABC, 123, get your fat ass off of me!"

What do you call a group of Emo kids?

Suicide Squad.

What jumps and never let's go?

An Emo kid.

I bet all Emos want to be like their biggest influencers some day.

Dead.

Why do Emos want to be the "Scene" these days?

The only thing I've "Scene" from them is their suicide rate climbing, it's starting to climb quicker than they did to get to the top of whatever they jumped off.

How do you get 50 hungry kids into a box? You put a can of beans in there.

How do you get 50 hungry kids out of a box? You run past with a can opener.

Somebody shouts "Fire!"

Man 1: Get the children out!

Man 2: F*** the children!

Man 3: We don't have time!

So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?

A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.

The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"

The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."

The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."

So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"

The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."

The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.

"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Apples get picked.

What does a pedophile and a light switch have in common?

They both get turned on by children.