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Teacher: Students, tomorrow bring your parents to the open house.

Student one orphan: I don't have any.

Student 2: What is the difference between you and an escaped prisoner?

Student one orphan: What!

Student 2: The prisoner gets picked.

Do you ever get that feeling where you're just going through a school parking lot, then you realize that there are no parking lots?

What world record did the people in 9/11 get?

The world record for going down 80 floors in a matter of seconds.

A man and a child walk into a forest.

The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."

The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."

Everyone: So, wait, let me get this straight. Feminists want to cancel Father's Day because it is offensive to single mothers.

Feminists: Correct.

Everyone: Then what the f*** is the point of Mother's Day?

Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."

Does an orphanage have daddy issues?

Yes, because he didn't come back from getting the milk.

How are wet clothes and a depressed person alike? One gets hung up to dry, the other gets hung up to die.

What’s the bravest thing a man can do?

Say, “I’m going to get milk!” to his wife and kids.

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

An apple actually gets picked.

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphan kid.

Kid: Why, Dad?

Dad: So you don't get bored.