Friends jokes

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose 👃, but you can't pick your friends' noses 👃 👃 👃.

Friend: If you could get rid of any one person in your life, who would it be?

Me: Me.

Friend: *does nothing*

(x_x)

I forgot that I don't have friends.

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

So funny hahaha this is why I don't have friends :(

If your sis makes you mad, so go to your friend's home to play.

If your sis is sad, go tell Mom.

I told my friend that there was a tree. On that tree, there were four black chickens. I asked how many beaks do the chickens have. He said four.

Then I said there was a white cat. How many teeth does it have? He couldn't answer, so I said, "Looks like you know more about black cocks than white pussy."

Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.

My friend broke his tie. That's a tie breaker.

I told my friend an egg joke yesterday.

He thought it was eggcellent.

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

My friend dumped me, so I stole their wheelchair.

Have a guess who came crawling back?

Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.

The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...

My Italian chef friend died last week. He pasta away.

Me: “You guys wanna know a cool fact?”

Friend 1: “Yeah.”

Friend 2: “Yea.”

Me: “Japan is RIGHT that way. If we swim all night...we’ll be able to get to Japan.”

Friend 3: “I love anime.”

Friend 1 & 2: “Nononononononononono!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Me: *Laughs at Friend 3*

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

Me: What is the difference between your mom and a mosquito?

Friend: Let me guess, they both suck you.

How to kick a deaf person off the plane:

Step 1: Pretend to yell and get some friends to do it, too.

Step 2: Tell your friends to raise both of their hands.

Step 3: He's out of the plane on a parachute.

I used to work for a company called 69. My friend took over my position.

Friend: Your t-shirt is cringe.

Me: You should go get the Covid test because one of their symptoms is no taste.