Friends jokes

People's music when friends are around: *rock*

When they are gone: "Come on, vamanos, everybody let's go!"

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”

Repost

Friend: If you could get rid of any one person in your life, who would it be?

Me: Me.

Friend: *does nothing*

(x_x)

I forgot that I don't have friends.

Guys, can we change pride month to another month, please? My birthday is in June, and I'm not gay, and my friends keep making fun of me. I think we should change it to March because my brother's birthday is in March, and that'd be funny.

I told my friend that there was a tree. On that tree, there were four black chickens. I asked how many beaks do the chickens have. He said four.

Then I said there was a white cat. How many teeth does it have? He couldn't answer, so I said, "Looks like you know more about black cocks than white pussy."

I used to work for a company called 69. My friend took over my position.

Bro, my friend is always using zodiacs as an excuse.

The other day he said he couldn't hang out with me because of cancer. I told him to fuck off. Then I realized why he was mad after that...

My friend dumped me, so I stole their wheelchair.

Have a guess who came crawling back?

Me: What is the difference between your mom and a mosquito?

Friend: Let me guess, they both suck you.

Friend: Your t-shirt is cringe.

Me: You should go get the Covid test because one of their symptoms is no taste.

How to kick a deaf person off the plane:

Step 1: Pretend to yell and get some friends to do it, too.

Step 2: Tell your friends to raise both of their hands.

Step 3: He's out of the plane on a parachute.

My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.

What does a deaf person and an orphan have in common? They both can’t hear their parents.

Why can’t an orphan go to Family Dollar? They don’t have a family.

Don’t mess with an emo because if their friends pull up, you gotta fight the suicide squad.

Friend: Slavery isn't good.

Other friend: Yeah, it's terrible.

Me: Shut up and get me a juice!

I told my friend an egg joke yesterday.

He thought it was eggcellent.

Me: “You guys wanna know a cool fact?”

Friend 1: “Yeah.”

Friend 2: “Yea.”

Me: “Japan is RIGHT that way. If we swim all night...we’ll be able to get to Japan.”

Friend 3: “I love anime.”

Friend 1 & 2: “Nononononononononono!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Me: *Laughs at Friend 3*

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.

My Italian chef friend died last week. He pasta away.

Friend: My bike doesn't have a kick stand, so it can't stand up.

Me: Nah, it's just two tired.