I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
What do cows eat for breakfast? -- Moosli.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.
Where do rabbits eat breakfast?
IHOP.
Where do you learn to make ice cream? -- Sundae school.
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.
"Moo!" says the second.
What did music tell the pancakes? -- B flat.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaaiins.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? -- The wheelchair.
Why can't you starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.
I once ate a watch. It was time consuming.
What's the difference between a gay and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
