Fired jokes

Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

I got fired from the library. What did I do? I only put a book on women's rights in the fiction section.

Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?

A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.

Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"

Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"

The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"

Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."

The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."

What do you call a kid in a wheelchair that you push in a fire? Hot Wheels.

It was just a prank, and stop calling our humor "plane." In our opinion, it's fire.

A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."

Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."

I pushed a man in a wheelchair into a fire. Now we call him "hot wheels."

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for hours.

Light the man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

You're the type of person to play "Girl on Fire" during a funeral.

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs.

B is for Basil assaulted by bears.

C is for Clara who wasted away.

D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh.

E is for Ernest who choked on a peach.

F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech.

G is for George smothered under a rug.

H is for Hector done in by a thug.

I is for Ida who drowned in a lake.

J is for James who took lye by mistake.

K is for Kate who was struck with an axe.

L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.

M is for Maud who was swept out to sea.

N is for Neville who died of ennui.

O is for Olive run through with an awl.

P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl.

Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire.

R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire.

S is for Susan who perished of fits.

T is for Titus who flew into bits.

U is for Una who slipped down a drain.

V is for Victor squashed under a train.

W is for Winnie embedded in ice.

X is for Xerxes devoured by mice.

Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in.

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

The only thing brighter than my future is the fire on the World Trade Center.

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

Man: I got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

Lady: What did you do?

Man: I took a day off...

Give a man a match; he will be warm for hours.

Set him on fire; he will be warm for the rest of his life.

What do you call someone in a wheelchair during a California fire?

A steamed vegetable.

There's no smoke or fire without a Muslim.

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking during a house fire.

I pushed the kid in a wheelchair into fire... I called him "HOT WHEELS".