Fired jokes
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor...
What does it sound like when a dragon sings? A fire alarm.
I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."
A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat. He is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with, "What do you mean? I already did it." Then the police ran back to the school to apprehend the other people he was planning it with. The cops busted in through the doors, which caused a smoke trap to go off, which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear, the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles, 4 per pole. Back at the station, holding the kid being apprehended, the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said, "Aww, it pays to be lazy!"
I got a job at a library once. I got fired like an hour in because the library manager said that the cookbooks didn’t go into the women’s sports section.
A missionary was caught by cannibals. He was tied up and thrown into a big pot. The cannibals were chopping up vegetables and throwing them into the pot with the missionary. When they lit the fire under the pot, the missionary said, "You can't stew me. I'm a friar."
A man got fired from the first coin factory. He exclaimed, "No! This is the only thing that's ever made cents!"
Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?
She was on fire.
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire? "HOT WHEELS"
What do you call a gay person on fire? LGBBQ.
What do you call a disabled person on fire? Hot wheels.
What do you call an Asian person on fire? Vietnam.
How to catch Bigfoot: 1. Dig a large pit. 2. Build a fire in the pit and let it burn all the way to ashes. 3. Place small green peas all around the rim of the pit. 4. Hide in the bushes and wait. When Bigfoot goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
My grandma always said, "Slow and steady wins the race."
She died in a fire.
What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
What do you call a gay kid that is on fire?
LGBBQ
Q: Why was the gay man fired from the sperm bank?
A: He got caught drinking on the job.
Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Commander: "Fire a warning shot."
Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."
Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."
Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*
Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"
Why did the rapper become a chef?
Because he wanted to cook up some FIRE BARS!
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.