Fired jokes

My aunt used to say, "Slow and steady wins the race." She died in a fire.

Hey God, what are you making?

Just a wooden stick that lights on fire.

Sounds like a match made in heaven.

When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.

My school is on fire today, and I pushed a kid in a wheelchair down the stairs and shouted, "Hot Wheels!"

My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"

Chuck Norris can make a fire with two ice cubes.

I pushed the kid in the wheelchair down the hill, but before I did, I set his wheels on fire and called him "hot wheels."

I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.

On the inside of a fire hydrant you'll find H2O. What's on the outside? K9P.

Q. Two gay guys are having sex, when suddenly the house catches fire. Who gets out of the house first, the guy on top or bottom?

A. The guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.

I got fired from my job today at a banana factory. They said to throw away the bad ones, so I threw away the bent ones.

What's so special about bullets?

They do work after they are fired.

What is black and at the top of a staircase?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

What do you call a kid in a wheelchair coming out of a building on fire? Hot wheels.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.

I got fired from the library. What did I do? I only put a book on women's rights in the fiction section.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?

A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.