Fired jokes

Your breath is so hot, it made the Chicago fire!

How to catch Bigfoot: 1. Dig a large pit. 2. Build a fire in the pit and let it burn all the way to ashes. 3. Place small green peas all around the rim of the pit. 4. Hide in the bushes and wait. When Bigfoot goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.

What's black and sits on top of a staircase?

Stephen Hawking's after a house fire.

How do rappers stay warm in the winter?

They drop FIRE TRACKS.

Kobe was on fire before his death. He was on fire after too.

I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!

Why did the female dicktator get fired? She had too much dick!

Why does everyone get offended at female firefighters?

Like seriously, if your house is on fire and burning, you wouldn't really care if the person saving you had a low IQ, right?

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

What's the difference between a skeleton and a baby? I don't set the skeleton on fire.

I pushed an orphan in a wheelchair into a fire and yelled, "Hot wheels!"

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.

Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

What do you call a wheelchair user in a fire?

Hot Wheels.

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?

Hot Wheels.

My aunt worked as a human cannonball.

I'm not sure if she was good at it until she got fired.

I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"

"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.

The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"

Alternative punchline:

"I had to call social services, she was only 14."

What's the difference between me and a bus?

I'm not on fire...

I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.

My doctor said I need to lose calories, so I got a piece of paper, wrote "calories," and lit it on fire.

I threw a gay person into a fire. Now we call him LGBBQ.