Fired jokes

So I told my sister, "Want [to] hear some jokes?" and she was like, "Hit me with [your] best shot, fire away," and I was like, "Okay, I know [you're] singing an old song, yeah I was trying to see if [you] sing too," and I said, "Who do [you] think I am, Chris Brown?"

Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.

I pushed an orphan in a wheelchair into a fire and yelled, "Hot wheels!"

A little chimney said: "Ooooh, I think my house owner is making a fire in me! I'm about to smoke!"

The big chimney said next to him: "Well, you're too young to smoke..."

I can't believe I got fired at the calendar factory. I mean... all I did was take a day off!

It was just a prank, and stop calling our humor "plane." In our opinion, it's fire.

A man got fired from the first coin factory. He exclaimed, "No! This is the only thing that's ever made cents!"

Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?

She was on fire.

I'm pretty socially awkward when talking to girls, so I watched a video on how to keep conversations going.

The guy said to try and find things that remind you of something else and talk about that. For example, "that oak tree over there reminds me of the one we used to climb in my backyard as a kid. It used to be so much fun... and so on."

So next time I was having a conversation with a girl, I saw a red truck. So I said, "that red truck reminds me of the time my house burned down when I was 6." She said, "oh, and the fire trucks came to your house?" And I said, "no, I was getting molested in a red truck when my house burned down."

What do Marshall Tucker Band and Kobe Bryant have in common?

Their last big hit was "Fire on the Mountain."

How do rappers stay warm in the winter?

With their FIRE LYRICS!

This is a classic.

Why did the Dog go into the fire?

Because it wanted to be a hot Dog!

Below I meant to say I set the gay person on fire.

Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

I saw a kid crying yesterday, so I asked him, "Where are your parents?"

Bad move, I got fired from my job at the Orphanage.

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.

Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London?

All the exit signs were in English.

Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.