Fight

Fight jokes

Hypocrisy

    • Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

    Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

    Some time later me fighting with my mom:

    Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

    Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

    Lesson?

    So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

    Shirt

    • What did the undershirt say to the T-shirt when they were fighting?

    "If you don't shut up right now, you're gonna lose your shirt!!!"

    Get it?

    Homie

    • We all know yo homie bout to hop in a fight when:

    1. He staring mighty hard at y'all.

    2. When your friend know you gon get your ass beat.

    3. When your friend say he not gon jump in (you know he lying).

    Fight memes

    Kid

    • Two kids were beating up a ginger kid in an ally, so I stepped into help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

  • 0

    • Politician

    • A politician dies. So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

    "So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately, you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that, however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"

    "Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules," says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy disappears...

    And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be, right?

    "Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where are all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit misrepresented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is, of course, free, as is the room service, there are extra towels next to the hot tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on-site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbor!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift and walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cheerily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course is made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2-foot-tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying on important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Gandhi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite and spend the rest of the night making love as they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows and falls into a deep and happy sleep...

    And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then," says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell," says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

    The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulfurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks, and the sunshine???"

    "Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."

  • 3

    • Sister

    • You and your sister always get into a fight and she says, "I don't care." Then you say right away, "About you!"

    Rape

    • A girl named Kariah was at a night club. She was twerking and shaking, but she was just there for fun with her friends until some guy named Jaden came up to her and started flirting with her.

    Jaden: WOW Girl!

    Kariah: What?

    Jaden: It's just that a sexy girl like you should be having sex, not begging for sex!

    Kariah: Okay, listen pimp, I don't know who you are, but I don't want you around me one bit!

    Jaden grabbed her hips with such FORCE!

    Jaden: Come on, let's go somewhere...private! And have a good time, a fun time!

    Kariah slapped him and left the night club, telling her friends she was gone, leaving a tip for the drinks she bought.

    Daina: Hey, what's wrong?

    Mary: Yeah!

    Greg: Sweetie...tell us.

    Ariana: Come on...did someone try to touch you in a weird way?!

    Kariah wanted to tell them but couldn't; it was too personal.

    Kariah: Uh I have to go...it's way passed my curfew! Love you!

    Kariah sighed and waited for a cab down by Heyo street. Then a cab man started dirty talking her...DIRTY!

    Cab man: Hey, sexy lady! Where are you going?...need a...wow...whoohoo...dang...ride?

    Kariah rolled her eyes then stuck her tongue out at the cab man. This fucking cab men said this.

    Cab man: Ooooo...use that for the sex!

    Kariah: I don't think so!

    Cab man: ha uh ha... I see the way your looking at me I know you like me!

    Kariah walks away from him and finds another cab, but the cab man did not take her mean talk and weird silents for an answer. Instead, the cab man got out of his "Cab" and harrowed around her.

    Cab man: HEY WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING!?

    Kariah: TO MY KIDS AND MY HUSBAN! SO GET LOST BITCH!!!!

    You see Kariah was married, she just came to be with her friends at a night club. Cab man gets close to her so she ran...she ran as fast as she could till she tripped on her high heels, once the cab man got close to her he picked her up...I think you know what he did okay I'll tell you. Cab man picked her up and took her back to the cab a.k.a taxi of course she was not gonna give up without a fight...will she gave up!

    Cab man: I know ya like me! I just know it! You dressed up in a hoochie and sluty dress for nothing will wrong you LIKE ME maybe love if we get lucky!

    He drove her to his house and then took off his cloths "underware included" got on top of her and "Rape was born again". Kariah did not remember a thing that night only that she was forced agianst her will too will have "S.E.X"

    Twin

    • One weekend some distant family members that I hadn't met before came over. My cousins (who I also hadn't met before) were fighting, so I decided to separate them and place them in opposite corners of the room (thinking it would help).

    My mom took me to an empty room with tears in her eyes and told me they both ended up dying.

    Well, SO-RRY, but I didn't know they were conjoined twins.

  • 1

    • Theme Song

    • Chris Rock: Jada, I can't wait to see you in G.I. Jane 2!

    Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song starts playing:

    Will: "I got in one lil' fight about my wife's lost hair, she said, 'Will, if you don't do something I'm gonna have an affair!'" 😂😂😂

  • 1

    • Orphan

    • Why does a kid never come home after a fight with their parents? Because they never found the key to the house again.

  • 0

    • Time

    • One time my boyfriend and I were playing the tickle game and I tickled him on his thighs by accident, and I said, "Oh no, I am dead."

    Then he started tickling me on my thighs up to my vagina, and then I moaned while laughing and told him, "STOP, please."

    Then he said, "That's what I thought," and I was like, you cheated. He was like, "You first did it."

    So he went to the restroom and pulled down his pants. Then I jumped on him and pulled his dick five times, and he screamed, and I quickly ran out and laughed. Then he ran to me, and I screamed, and he started eating my pussy and fingering me while I said, "Okay, okay, stop."

    And he stopped and started sucking my boobs and giving me hickeys while I said, "Please stop," and then I pushed him off, and he turned me around and put his dick in my hole, and I said, "Owwwwwwww."

    Then he said, "Play with me, I'll fuck you up."

    I said, "Ughh," and slapped him.

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