Family jokes

My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.

Kenny is living with his girlfriend now.

He just moved back in with his mom.

What happened when your parents dropped you off at the orphanage? They got sued for littering.

Everyone: So, wait, let me get this straight. Feminists want to cancel Father's Day because it is offensive to single mothers.

Feminists: Correct.

Everyone: Then what the f*** is the point of Mother's Day?

"Daddy, what are those two things on mum’s chest?" asked Tom. "Those are just... balloons," said dad.

(Later)

"Dad! I think mum’s dying!" said Tom. "Why?" asked dad. "Because uncles are blowing her balloons, and she said, ‘Oh god, I'm cumming!’"

Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.

Your mom is so ugly. When she goes to the dentist, they make her face down.

I laughed when I realized that my suicide letter is way longer than my sibling's college essay.

Do you know the TV show "Naked and Afraid?" Well, that's what my grandpa and I played when I was young.

My dad still hasn’t come back with the milk. Now we are stuck eating dry cereal.

I cried when my dad cut onions. Onions was such a good dog.

What is an orphan's favorite quote in Star Wars?

"I am your father."

Why can't orphans play online games? Because they don't have parents to sign them up.

A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.

The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"

your mom

What's the difference between calling someone dad or daddy? How you come from his balls.

Why do orphans love having sex?

Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."

What do you call a grown-up orphan? Homeless.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

Your forehead is so big, your mom spent half of the time in the delivery room giving birth to just your head.