Family Jokes

your mom

What do you call a grown-up orphan? Homeless.

Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.

Your forehead is so big, your mom spent half of the time in the delivery room giving birth to just your head.

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

A still from a cartoon video, showing a character (a minion) with a surprised expression. Above it, the text says, "My son flying through the windshield after I said 'seatbelts are for girls'". Below the scene, it says "@sigma_gorilla".

What do vacuums and your mom have in common?

They both suck.

Mr. Smith had four daughters. Each of his daughters had a brother. How many children does Mr. Smith have?

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can't find home.

What did the Asian parents say when they had a disabled kid?

Sum ting wong.

Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.

I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.

You dirty-minded bastard!

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

Many years of sex in the dark.

The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"

The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a coma. After 6 months, she woke up. She asked the doctor, "How's the baby?"

"You had twins," the doctor replied. "Your brother named them."

The woman said, "Oh no, not my brother! What did he call them?"

The doctor said, "He called the girl Denise."

"What about the boy?" the woman asked.

The doctor said, "Denephew."

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"