Family jokes

I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.

You dirty-minded bastard!

Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.

"Your pussy is sweeter than Mom's," Brother admired his sister.

"I know," replied Sister. "Father told me too."

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

Many years of sex in the dark.

The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"

The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

Why do orphans love boomerangs?

Because they come back.

Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!

Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!

Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!

Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?

Why was Sally at the hospital after her parents left? Because they put her up for adoption.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!

Why do orphans love having sex?

Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."

What do you call your brother in Alabama? Daddy.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.

He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."

Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?

Because he thought that she would leave him too.

My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"

"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."

How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?

Apparently not enough to impress him.

My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?