Family jokes

Many years of sex in the dark.

The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"

The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

Why do orphans love boomerangs?

Because they come back.

Son: Dad, Dad, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!!!!

Dad: What's wrong? Are you OK?!

Son: Mia asked me out on a date on February 30th!

Dad: 'Cause there's no February 30th?

Why was Sally at the hospital after her parents left? Because they put her up for adoption.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!

What do you call your brother in Alabama? Daddy.

Why do orphans love having sex?

Because they can finally call somebody "daddy."

So, I was fucking my daughter the other day and my wife walked in... I don't know what was funnier: the look on her face, or that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.

He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."

Why did the orphan not have a girlfriend?

Because he thought that she would leave him too.

My little cousin's birthday was in a few days, and his mom said he wanted Hot Wheels. So I sent him a video of me pushing a paralyzed kid into fire and screaming "HOT WHEELS!"

"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."

How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?

Apparently not enough to impress him.

Why did the orphan sleep outside? ... Because he gets to wake up to Mother Nature.

An orphan goes to a doctor.

Doctor: "Sorry, I can't help you."

Orphan: "But why?"

Doctor: "I'm a family doctor."

What's the difference between apples and orphans?

An apple gets picked.

"F" stand for family, that's why "orphan" is spelled with "ph."

What's the only good thing about being an orphan?

All snacks are family sized!