Family jokes
Can we stop talking about 9/11? My dad died, man, but he was a good pilot.
Why are orphans bad at poker?
Because they don't know what a full house is!
Teacher: "I was an orphan when I was a kid."
Students: "oof"
Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"
Students: "Yeah, your parents."
This is the real reason why the chicken crossed the road.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To visit his grandmother at KFC.
My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.
My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.
I was watching my son play at the park, and a lady asked me, "Which one is yours?" And for fun, I said, "I don't know, I'm still choosing."
I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.
My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.
Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.
Son: Dad, I think I got a girl pregnant.
Dad: Well, is she already part of the family?
Son: Yes, why?
Dad: Then there’s no need to be worried.
An orphan was running down the road. A car pulled up and said, "Get in." So the orphan got in and said, "Where are we going?" The kidnapper said, "I'm taking you to my house." The orphan replied, "OML, ARE YOU ADOPTING ME!?"
When the orphan got a job as a priest, what was his name?
Father Les.
Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.
Yo mama's so dumb, when a robber stole her TV, she said, "You forgot the remote!"
Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.
Dad: Would you like to talk about it?
Son: Sure.
Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.
Son: I can't, my butt hurts.
How do parents punish a blind kid? They rearrange the furniture.
I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.
Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."
Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"
Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"
My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"
Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"
Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."