Family jokes

What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.

What's the difference between apples and orphans? The apples get picked, XD!

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

A man sees a small boy begging for money. He walks up to him and asks him if he is an orphan.

The boy asks, "What gave me away?"

The man responds, "Your parents."

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.

What do orphans like about tattoos? They stick around.

Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."

Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."

Why can't orphans watch "The Simpsons"?

Because they don't know who's Homer.

Crispy, Juicy, Tender, I just put my new-born son in a blender.

Kid: "What's dark humor?"

Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."

Kid: "I am blind, Mom."

Mom: "Exactly."

When you break up with your online girlfriend, and you hear your uncle crying in the other room.

Orphans are funny cuz all they do is sing "We Are Family."

What’s an orphan's favorite movie?

Spider-Man: No Way Home.

Boy: "Hey mom, can we have ice cream?"

Orphan: "What's a mom?"

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.