Family jokes

A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.

“Mom, why did God make me like this?” he said.

“It’s because God made you special,” she said.

“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”

My mom told me to get off the computer or she will slam my head into the keyboard.

I don't think she lskdjfklsdjf.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

I drew a picture of a whale in the ocean. My brother asked, "What are you drawing?" I said, "You taking a shower."

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.

My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!

What's the difference between apples and orphans? The apples get picked, XD!

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

What do orphans like about tattoos? They stick around.

Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.