Family jokes

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

What's the difference between apples and orphans? The apples get picked, XD!

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

Boy 1: "Sonic is a fictional character."

Boy 2: "Yeah, just like your dad."

My grandpa unplugged the AC, so I unplugged his life support.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?

you find the real one.

What did the lawyer name his twins?

COURTney and CASEy.

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.

Kid: "What's dark humor?"

Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."

Kid: "I am blind, Mom."

Mom: "Exactly."

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"