Family jokes

Yo mamma so stupid, she starved to death in a grocery store.

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

Incest.

When "slow down and apply more lube bro" REALLY means slow down and apply more lube bro.

What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?

The redneck virgin.

A boy with Down Syndrome was talking with his mom.

“Mom, why did God make me like this?” he said.

“It’s because God made you special,” she said.

“Just kidding, I was only talking about your needs.”

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

I drew a picture of a whale in the ocean. My brother asked, "What are you drawing?" I said, "You taking a shower."

My mom told me to get off the computer or she will slam my head into the keyboard.

I don't think she lskdjfklsdjf.

I cried when my dad was chopping onions. Onions was a good dog.

What's better than sex with your 12 year old sister?

Rolling her over and pretending it's your 10 year old brother.

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

The doctor says, "Your wife is pregnant." The man says that he used a condom and the doctor says, "Yeah, but I didn't."

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.

"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.

"Denise."

"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"

"Tom Junior."

Nutted in my shoes, now my kids are taking a walk.

Kenny was into incest until his mom died.

Now he's into necrophilia.

My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.