Family jokes

What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside of her? They are both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me."

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

What's the difference between apples and orphans? The apples get picked, XD!

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw?

An outlaw is wanted.

A kid milks a cow and goes to school and tells his friends, "I milked a cow, and it took awhile for it to warm up." His brother came over and said, "We don't have cows, we have bulls."

My wife called me a pedo. That's a big word for a 6 year old.

My dad told me to do what he did best, so I left.

what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?

you find the real one.

What did the lawyer name his twins?

COURTney and CASEy.

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.

I hate this. Everybody knows it's how I roll, if you jump into my van you get a Tootsie Roll. My uncle said this...

Yo mama so fat, when she said, "I want a boat," they gave her a naval ship.

Kid: "What's dark humor?"

Mom: "You see that man over there without arms? Tell him to clap."

Kid: "I am blind, Mom."

Mom: "Exactly."

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

Why do orphans play a lot of tennis?

Cause that's the only way they get love.

Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.