Family jokes
Yo mama is so skinny, she uses floss as toilet paper.
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
Why does an orphan hate the internet?
Because he's always on the homepage.
Daddy, where's my anus?
How to tell your kid is adopted? Hi Daisy, let's play a game called "You're adopted!" I will start: Your mum died so I had to adopt you, but don't think I love you because you were the only kid there, haha!
Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.
When you were born, your mom said you were out of bounds, so you went flying out of the hospital.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... I fucked your mother's ass, and she had you.
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
Because they don’t know where home is.
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because they can't find home.
A baby and his father are sitting in a street cafe. A woman bends over to pick up her keys just as a gust of wind blows up the woman's dress. "va va voom," the baby says. The dad chuckles and says, "Yes. I'd like to have sex with her too."
Yo' mama is so stupid, she couldn't find a needle in a haystack.
Your dad? Oh wait, you don’t have that!
How do blind kids get punished?
By moving the furniture around the house.
Orphans can't call their parents if they get hurt! Sorry.🩹
You know we straight with doin' your mom.
Why can’t orphans have phones?
Because it has a home button!
So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.
Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.
At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.
While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that."
So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.
Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!
Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.
Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.
What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?
Your mum.
Why is the orphan cold?
'Cause there's no one to cuddle with.