Family Jokes

When is Father's Day?

Nine months before Mother's Day.

What's an orphan's favorite sport?

Tennis because it's the only love they'll get.

Knock knock.

Who is there?

Mother.

Mother who?

Fuck off bichon, I'm your mother!

My dad and I were playing hide and seek. I still haven’t found him. It’s been 15 years.

Ask me who Joe is.

Who is Joe?

JOE MAMA!

My brother is cute

A close up photo of a baby with a pacifier in his mouth, holding a colorful ball toy in his hand.

Why did the orphan not play baseball? Because he couldn't find home.

I made a website for orphans, but it didn't have a home page.

Jack and his kids went to the lake, and his mother wants him to go swimming. You know what he says? "Back where you came from!"

When a boy points at his parents, they disappear.

Damn, the guy who made the "Whip/Nae Nae" song really made his cousin go Silento.

What show has something orphans will never have?

American Dad!

20 years later

Johnny: Hey dad.

Dad: Yea?

Johnny: Fuck you, I ain't comin' back to your grave in 16 years, then ima come back, BITCH!

Dad: Doing the same thing I did to you and your mother, ay? I deserve it :( ;O not real...NOT A FUCKING ALL.

Johnny: Yea you kinda fucking do.

Dad:...

After having a win at bingo, Ethel splashed out on some venison for tea.

During the meal, her daughter asked her mum what it was, to which she replied with a little smile... "It's what I call your father."

Little Jimmy threw down his knife and fork and jumped up sayin', "Oh My God! Don't eat it!!! It's a fucking Dick!"

My son asked me, “What is angel cake made of?”

I reply by listing the ingredients in Mr. Kipling angel cakes. Then he shouts “STOP!” I stop as I reach food colorings. He slowly crawls towards me and says in a whisper, “Well, in my angel cake, I put angels in them.”

I freaked out about this, so I calmed down and asked who did you put in this angel cake. He said, “Grandma, the one who died last Saturday.”

You take a plane from Australia. Your mom is American, your dad is British, and your brother (and you) is Canadian (well, because they traveled along many places). You are eating dinner, but you realized you were going to Europe.

You went sleepy, and you forgot your pet named "Strallia." But she could not go anyways, so you had to leave her. When you went to Europe, you were in the "COUNTRY-SIDE."

Once Jimmy was minding his own business, then he hears his mom come home. He asked, "Where have you been?" She replied with, "I was at work," yet he knew his mom did not have work. So the next day, while heading to school, he gets a phone call saying his mom is pregnant, and they want to try their device, and they need the baby's dad to say if it's alright.