Family jokes

I will never forget my mother and father's last words.

"Where the Sam hell did you get a grenade?"

Why are orphans bad at Yahtzee?

They don't know what a house is.

If my son was a real man, I wouldn't have caught him fucking another man.

Son: Mom, can I get $100 for a week?

Mom: Why do you need $100 for a week?

Son: I'm going on a date, and I need $100 for a week, please.

Mom: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Go on your date now. You got $1, so go.

Son: And you got $0.00.

My son's into astromancy asked me how do stars die, so I told him, "Usually on overdose, son."

I always enjoy family reunions.

It's always a good time meeting up with my exes.

Your mamma's so ugly, even the toaster wouldn't get in the bathtub with her.

What do you call your mom?

Basement bound.

An orphan finds a genie.

Orphan: "My first wish is to be rich."

Genie: "Of course."

Orphan: "My second wish is to be famous."

Genie: "Done."

Orphan: "I wish my parents could come back!"

Genie: "I told you I can't bring people back from the dead!"

My "parents" are so dumb. Who tf names their son "Lydia"?

I have a cow over at my house spending the night with me because she has been out in the streets homeless and poor, so my family forced it to come and live with me at my place.

The cow asks me, "Where do I keep all the dairy items like the milk, cheese, yogurt, and meat?" I tell her, "In the refrigerator! Where do you think I keep them, on the farm with all the rest of those cows?"

That night we had to share a room and sleep in the same damn bed. Then she started getting high and drank some cow wine with titty milk, and it made her shit all over the bed.

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

One day the mailman came to drop the mail off, then he asked if I could use the bathroom. I said yeah. The thing is, my mom was coming out of the shower naked, and when she opened the door, it was me and the mailman.

Now, when the mailman sees me, he says to me, "We got something in common, we both saw your mom naked."

I have an Uncle named Ricky, who made ur mom sticky.

His dad calls him pricky and everyone begs for his dicky.

Why do orphans like the movie Home Alone?

Because they're home alone themselves!

I asked my dad, "Are we there yet?" and he told me, "Don't worry, son, it will be a short ride!"

Your hairline is as nonexistent as your dad.

Orphans would be upset if they went to FamilyMart.

'Cause they sell oden, not a family.

My dad said he'd get the milk, but he forgot I was in his car.

My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.