Family jokes
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.
I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.
So, I just got kicked out of the orphanage library for putting a book about parents in the fiction section.
My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."
One man's trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"
Can't wait to meet you!
So join the Depression family!
We open real soon!
Try best to hold onto sanity!
Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.
Patient: It runs in the family.
Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.
My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.
I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.
Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.
Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.
But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.
There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.
A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:
"I have good news and bad news."
The wife said: "What's the good news?"
"We managed to save his arm."
"What's the bad news?"
"We couldn't save the rest of him."
Ancestry.com is spelled with an “I” in Alabama.
Guys, my sister's pregnant!
I'm finally a dad!
Why did Ms. Grapes 🍇 want to marry Mr. Grapes 🍇?
Because she loves raisin kids.
Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.
What’s the difference between criminals and orphans?
Only one is wanted.
Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.
Student: OOFT.
Teacher: Who are we missing?
Student: Your parents.