Family jokes

Roses are red.

My soul is black.

I am never getting my dad back.

A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man's wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said:

"I have good news and bad news."

The wife said: "What's the good news?"

"We managed to save his arm."

"What's the bad news?"

"We couldn't save the rest of him."

Did you know my grandpa was part of World War 2? He killed Hitler.

You can laugh at how men are stupid. But remember their favorite thing.

It starts with "M" and ends with "arriage".

If you guessed "Marriage" you're stupid. It's miscarriage and don't forget it. The joke never gets old to him. Just like the baby.

I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.

Yo' mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

Kid: Are you gay?

Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”

He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”

Can't wait to meet you!

So join the Depression family!

We open real soon!

Try best to hold onto sanity!

Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.

Patient: It runs in the family.

Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.

So, I just got kicked out of the orphanage library for putting a book about parents in the fiction section.

My sister and I were both adopted from the same country, and my parents say they got us on a "two for one special."

One man's trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted.

My mom always said garlic powder makes everything better, so I sprinkled some on my divorce papers and my wife's broken leg.

I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.

There was a cannibal who had a wife and eight kids.

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly, the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday. You know, Dad has a big belly, and that's why Mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." The little boy says, "But Mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!"

Why did Ms. Grapes 🍇 want to marry Mr. Grapes 🍇?

Because she loves raisin kids.

Your mom is so ugly that when she went to rob a bank, they had to turn the cameras off.

Guys, my sister's pregnant!

I'm finally a dad!