Family jokes

What’s the difference between criminals and orphans?

Only one is wanted.

Why was the ant so confused?

All of its uncles were ants.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly? ... Kick his sister in the jaw.

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

They can never make it home.

(just a joke) My grandfather was involved in 9/11. I’ve kept his pilot medals for how good of a pilot he was.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.

We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.

Christopher's Mom said, "One man's trash is another man's treasure."

Turns out Christopher was adopted.

My favorite sex position is ‘WOW.’ It's where I flip your mom upside down.

Girl: Daddy, I've been a bad girl.

Priest: For the last time, it's "Father, I have sinned."

Dark humor is like parents, not everybody gets it.

So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."

What do you do when you see a sad orphan?

Nothing, let them wait for their parents.

Girl: I've been an orphan since I was three.

Boy: Knock knock.

Girl: ...Who's there?

Boy: Not your parents!

One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV. His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.

The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.

The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuBuDuRDeEDeRdUuUuU!!!" "SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!"

Kid: What is between mom's legs?

Dad: Paradise.

Kid: What's between your legs?

Dad: The key to paradise.

Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.

Brother: I bought my brother a trampoline today, the ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried.