Family jokes
One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.
A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”
Mom: Wake up!
Me: No, I'm too disappointed and I have a headache...
Mom: Why are you disappointed?
Me: I took 12 random pills and I still woke up...
Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
If I had a face like yours, I would sue my parents.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.
A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."
The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"
The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.
But she has to. She's his mom.
Q: What was the orphan's first phone?
A: The iPhone X because it had no home button.
Your mom is a slow comedian. It took her 9 months to make a good joke.
Wives are like grenades. Pull the ring, and the house is gone.
I refuse to believe my dad got fired as a road worker for theft. But when I came home, there were signs everywhere.
In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...
Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."
Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."
Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."
Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."
My grandfather said we rely on technology too much, so I unplugged his life support. Luckily, I remember his last words: "You little bastard!"
Kid: Are you gay?
Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
Roses are red.
My soul is black.
I am never getting my dad back.
Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"
Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."
A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.
Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."