Family jokes

One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.

A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”

Q. How does a girl from Alabama know when her mom is on the rag?

A. She can taste it on her brother's cock.

If I had a face like yours, I would sue my parents.

Bully: "Shut up and give me your money, otherwise I will tell everyone that you are still a virgin."

Boy: "Haha, I am not a virgin anymore."

Bully: "Haha, nice joke."

Boy: "If you don't believe then ask your sister or brother."

Bully: "Hah, I don't have any sibling."

Boy: "Will just wait for 9 months then u will know."

A son walks up to his dad and says, "Dad! I just had sex for the first time."

The dad goes, "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?"

The son says, "I can't sit right now, my butt is very sore."

Only one of Kenny's girlfriends has ever said he's good in bed.

But she has to. She's his mom.

Yo mama so stupid she threw a Mother's Day party at an orphanage.

Raaj went up to his mom and said, "I bet you 10 dollars I can disappear." Then he turned off the lights.

Your mom is a slow comedian. It took her 9 months to make a good joke.

Wives are like grenades. Pull the ring, and the house is gone.

Ancestry.com is spelled with an “I” in Alabama.

Kid: Are you gay?

Me: No, I'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on.

Teacher: "People with depression never get anywhere in life."

Student 1: "My mom has depression, but she died."

Student 2: "My sister has depression and she's going to therapy."

Student 3: "My dad has depression, and he's doing REALLY well."

Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?

Friend: Yeah, sure.

Me: *pulls out gun*

My grandfather said we rely on technology too much, so I unplugged his life support. Luckily, I remember his last words: "You little bastard!"

Little Johnny and little Sally walked in on Mommy and Daddy going at it in the bedroom doggy style. They innocently ask, "Mommy, Daddy what are you doing?"

Mommy says, "Oh, Daddy is just parking his car in Mommy's garage, now go and play."

A few minutes later they hear a blood curdling squeal and run to see what was the matter.

Little Johnny is running in circles squealing and little Sally says, "Well little Johnny was trying to park his car in my garage and he couldn't get the back wheels in so I took the scissors and cut them off."

Q: What was the orphan's first phone?

A: The iPhone X because it had no home button.

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

My son asked me what dark humor was, so I told him, "see that kid in the wheelchair, ask him to stand." He said, "But Dad I'm blind." Exactly.

What do you call your daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?

An ambulance.