Family jokes
Like if you have a dick, or you are an orphan.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
What’s the difference between a chicken and an orphan?
The chicken is actually used for something.
Your dad is gone.
Why do orphans eat cereal without milk?
Their dad never came with it.
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
Your mom stinks.
That is my joke.
You mom doesn’t really stink.
I know I am stupid. 🤕
Your hairline is so ugly it looks worse than your mom's.
My father can take a joke because he made one.
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.
What food has an orphan made?
Homemade food.
Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.
His parents weren't too happy.
As a son, I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute, and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot.
I came home the next day. I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask what's going on. My mom said to me, "Meet your new daddy," then my friend said, "Hey son, get me a beer from the fridge."
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words:
"You need to park a little closer."
Dark humor is like having parents, not everybody gets them.
What's the difference between a pregnant one and a light bulb?
One you can unscrew.
Me: Mom, stop, you are not funny. You never make jokes.
Mom: I made you.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They can’t get to home run!
I was digging and found some gold. I was going to tell my mom, then I remembered why I was digging.
Dad?