Family jokes

Yo mama so old, she was Jesus' nanny! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

So, my mom has hit me with a flip flop when I was bad, and when I cheated on my girl, right when the other girl came in, a flip flop came flying in the room.

Little Johnny comes down for breakfast because he lives on a farm, and his mother asks if he has done his chores or not.

"Not yet," says little Johnny, so he goes to feed the chickens, cows, and pigs. He ends up kicking the chickens, cows, and pigs and goes inside and asks why he got a dry bowl of cereal. His mother responds with, "I saw you kick the chickens, so no eggs for a week. I also saw you kick the pigs, so no bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cows, so no milk for a week either."

Little Johnny's father comes downstairs and kicks the cats. Little Johnny looks at his mother and says, "You want to tell him, or should I?"

What is the difference between a tall kid and an orphan? One is tall enough that their parents can see them.

Why can’t an orphan play baseball?

They can’t run to home.

Your mum. That's all I need to say.

So a guy gets a motorcycle with authentic leather seats, and the dealer tells him, "Dude, the rain will ruin the seats. Get it under something if it starts raining, and worst-case scenario, put Vaseline all over the seats to make it waterproof." So he goes to his girlfriend's house that night for dinner, and before he goes inside, she says, "Listen, this is your first time meeting my parents. We have a rule: the first one to speak has to do the dishes." So he walks inside and sees a mountain of dishes, over three months' worth, because no one has spoken, and the stench is awful.

During dinner, he concocted a plan to get someone to speak, so he started doing all of this crazy shit to try and get someone to speak. Not a peep. Eventually, he grabs his girlfriend, bends her over, and starts going to town. Still nothing. The parents are outraged but not speaking because they don't want to do the dishes. After about a minute of this, he walks away and does the same to her mum and starts going to town. Now the dad is pissed and just staring him down with daggers. At that moment, it starts to rain. He remembers his motorcycle is out in the rain, and he grabs the Vaseline out of his pack pocket, and the dad goes, "FINE! I'LL DO THE DISHES!"

Your mom was dating a boy that had a twin brother, but she did it with the wrong one.

The only thing running in THIS family’s your big ass mouth! Oh, I’d better shut up, or Big Bertha’s gonna confuse my head for a burger!

Knock knock. Who's there? Jo. Jo who? Jo Auntie.

If you're ever bored, just punch an orphan.

What are they gonna tell their parents?

College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you, or they'll send your kid back.

I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.

Roses are red, violets are violet,

My dad died in 9/11, he was a great pilot!

What is the difference between apples and orphans?........... The apple gets picked.

So I told an orphan if her mom is hot, he wouldn't stop crying.

I was crying while my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen. Onions was such a good dog.

My sister looks like Santa Claus.

"You are so pretty?"

"No, too many people!"

Roses are red, violets are blue, it's really no wonder your mama left you!

When you ask your mom for candy but you grab from the wrong drawer…