Family jokes

How to make an orphan BLEED?

Step 1 - Tell them to clap until they actually have a loving family.

Step 2 - LAUGH EVILLY as they BLEED.

Step 3 - Tell them to kys.

Step 4 - Leave that mental asylum.

Yo mama's so ugly that even Hello Kitty had to say goodbye.

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They don't have a closet to come out of.

What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).

Orphans go to church to call someone father.

joe: Are your mom and dad nice?

zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.

joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.

What do you call a blonde in a freezer?

Her parents called her Cindy, so we should probably continue calling her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.

Mom said dad had the best pullout game... now I'm an uncle.

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

Why are orphans so skinny?

They never eat anything that is family size.

My mum's a carrot.

What's the best comeback for a person calling you an orphan?

Kill their parents.

Why did the orphan try to get hurt?

Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.

He looks around, no one is there.

Mom: I'm getting you a dog!

Me: OMG REALLY?!

Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?

Me:...

Me: Bitch, please.

(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)

Baby: Wait for me!

(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)

(He squishes the child.)

Father: Ketchup!