Family jokes

Went to my friend's house, fucked his sister.

I had a fun funeral / birthday.

A father and three sons are renovating a house when a wall of that house collapses and breaks the father's back. Keeping calm, he tells the sons, "Well, I guess this is what you would call back-breaking labor." He chuckled, then passed out from pain.

What is the difference between your girlfriend and your sister?

They're both "sweet home Alabama."

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

I love bullying orphans. Who are they gonna tell? Their parents?

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?

You better not lay a finger on her!

Why aren't orphans good at Monopoly?

They don't know what a house is.

I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.

Mom, can I please go out and play?

... no answer.

Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?

"Because his dad never brought the milk."

Teacher: "I used to be an orphan once."

Student: "That’s sad."

Teacher: "Anyways, who is away today?"

Student: "Your parents."

Roses are red, violets are black, your mum's so fat she sold her son for 10 Big Macs.

I still remember my grandpa's last words, "Stop wobbling the ladder, you cunt!"

Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?

It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.

What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.

There are two types of people in Alabama: the orphans and the incests.

What do you call a group of brothers who fuck one another?

Super Smash Bros.

My dad coming back.

I once told an orphan his dad is Spider-Man because he is far from home.