Family jokes

Why are orphans bad at poker?

Because they don't know what a full house is.

Why can't orphans use phones? Because they don't know where the home button is.

Noticing how wet and gentle the baby's mouth was on the bottle tip, this gave Uncle Willie an idea.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Q: Why is it good being an orphan?

A: Because the family sized bag is all there's.

Can someone be my daddy?

Father: I'm taking your toys to the orphanage.

Child: But why?

Doctor: I'm going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

If you’re ever bored, punch an orphan.

What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

Bubba couldn't make rent, so he offered to sleep with the landlady instead.

I think he forgot he lived in his mom's basement.

What did the father name his daughter with no legs?

Peggy.

Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."

Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."

Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."

Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."

Another condom name is "Orphan's Home."

Me: My grandpa killed 100 nazis in WWII.

My Friend: Well my grandpa killed Hitler.

Me: *Realizes*

My wife said she wanted to leave me. She said it’s because of the abuse, but really, she’s the one abusing herself by drinking alcohol and got poisoning the next day. This shows almost half of the woman’s population is weak both physically and mentally.

My mom smashed my Xbox, so I smashed her daughter. 😏

So imagine bullying an orphan so bad they cry, and then you say, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

Q: Why can't orphans ever win at Yahtzee?

A: Because they can never seem to get a full house.

When I was younger, I thought that it was cool to use knives because kids used to ask me to use them.

By the way, have you seen my sister?

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.