Family jokes

Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan? Because it doesn't have a home button.

Why can't all guys be more like Kenny? He doesn't get all upset when his mom isn't in the mood.

Q. What does Kenny get when he hugs his mom?

A. A boner.

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful cunt sat in his wheelchair all day.

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."

My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.

So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.

Johnny is very attached to his parents. He asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks, "What's that?" The mother replies, "That's my garage." He looks up and asks, "What are those?" The mother responds, "Those are my headlights."

He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down, "Daddy, what's that?" The dad replies, "That's my car." He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tells his mother and she says, "You can lay with me." He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed. He gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving. He looks under the covers to investigate and sees them going at it. He then yells, "Mommy, turn on you're headlights, Daddy's parking his car in you're garage!" *THUD*

So, there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, "what is one plus one?" She said, "I HATE YOU." Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, "My buns are burning." Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Bobby said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" The principal yelled, "HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?!" Then he said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, "my buns are burning."

Kenney lost his virginity to a $10 hooker, but he only had to pay $5. She was his sister, so he got the family discount.

What’s the difference between you and Jesus? We know who Jesus’s dad was.

What's the difference between orphans and apples?

Apples get picked.

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

Yo mama's so ugly that even Hello Kitty had to say goodbye.

How to make an orphan BLEED?

Step 1 - Tell them to clap until they actually have a loving family.

Step 2 - LAUGH EVILLY as they BLEED.

Step 3 - Tell them to kys.

Step 4 - Leave that mental asylum.

These two cannibals are sitting by the campfire having dinner. One says, "I can't stand my mother-in-law." The other says, "So, just eat the potatoes."

My father left me at a young age.

He was only five.

I will always remember my dad's last words....

"15 dollars and I'll jump."

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin.