Family jokes

Son: Mom, can I borrow $50?

Mom: What? NO WAY! Do you think money grows on trees?

Son: Mom, what is money made of?

Mom: Paper.

Son: Where does paper come from?

Mom: . . .

The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.

Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."

Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"

Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."

Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

I love bullying orphans. Who are they gonna tell? Their parents?

What did Luke Skywalker say when he saw someone bullying his sister?

You better not lay a finger on her!

Why aren't orphans good at Monopoly?

They don't know what a house is.

Mom, can I please go out and play?

... no answer.

I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his Christmas present. The ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. The ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.

I once told an orphan his dad is Spider-Man because he is far from home.

Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?

It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.

I still remember my grandpa's last words, "Stop wobbling the ladder, you cunt!"

What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.

Why did little Timmy dip the cookie in water?

"Because his dad never brought the milk."

There are two types of people in Alabama: the orphans and the incests.

Teacher: "I used to be an orphan once."

Student: "That’s sad."

Teacher: "Anyways, who is away today?"

Student: "Your parents."

What do you call a group of brothers who fuck one another?

Super Smash Bros.

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful cunt sat in his wheelchair all day.

Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan? Because it doesn't have a home button.

Why can't all guys be more like Kenny? He doesn't get all upset when his mom isn't in the mood.

My dad coming back.

So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."