Family jokes

What punishment are teachers unable to do to orphans?

Call their parents.

What's the difference between drugs and children? I don't sell drugs.

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

I recently became the coach of an orphanage baseball team.

Because I hate dealing with parents.

What's a benefit of being an orphan?

No one makes yo mama jokes to you.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

I think one of my dads might be gay.

Is it incest if it’s out in the open?

Or is it... outcest?

Why are orphans good at being a criminal?

Because they're not wanted.

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.

What cookies did the orphans never try?

Home made cookies!

Why do orphans want to become criminals? To know what it feels like to be wanted.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

What is an orphan's dad's job?

A magician because he makes himself disappear.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"

Orphan: "My family never came back for me."

School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."