Family jokes

What’s the similarities between a pillow and your mom?

They’re both in my bed.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

Is it incest if it’s out in the open?

Or is it... outcest?

You know why orphans can't play baseball? 'Cause they can't find home.

Why can't an orphan go on a field trip? They don't have a parent's signature.

When you meet your gf at the family reunion.

What is an orphan's dad's job?

A magician because he makes himself disappear.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

I hate when my brother dates other people.

Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵

School teacher: "Hey kid, why don't you just go home to your family?"

Orphan: "My family never came back for me."

School teacher: "Your daddy must've really needed that milk."

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?

My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.

My grandpa is a great hero. He's the one who shot Hitler.

Why do orphans want to become criminals? To know what it feels like to be wanted.

My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.

What cookies did the orphans never try?

Home made cookies!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”

What do you call an orphan if every other orphan gets picked?

Someone: Ugly?

Me: No, trick question, they are still an orphan.