Family Jokes

I started crying when my dad was chopping onions.

Onions was such a good dog!

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

Violets are blue, roses are red.

Last night your mom was giving me head.

What does a transgender call his/her parent?

Transparent.

Your mama is so short, she does backflips under her bed.

Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and my uncle? Nothing, they both steal children.

Once my dad left to get milk, then I realized we own a cow.

I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...

Good news is, I got one sick selfie!

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

I have a problem. My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday. So, one took my virginity, and the other is my girlfriend.

Johnny is walking along, and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"

The priest says, "Because I'm a father."

Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids, and he don't wear his collar backwards."

The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children."

Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."

Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"

Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"

Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."

Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".

He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"

Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."

You know those paper families you cut out?

Well, I put one of those in an orphanage.

Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?

Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.

Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?

Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.

Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!

Dad: Oh, hey Brick!

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

Your dad never needed a van for you.

Me: "I like kids."

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤