Family jokes
I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.
And my driver's license got revoked too.
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
My grandpa is a great hero. He's the one who shot Hitler.
Why are orphans good at being a criminal?
Because they're not wanted.
Why do orphans want to become criminals? To know what it feels like to be wanted.
Memes
Dayum
My mum said take out the trash, so I took my sister.
What cookies did the orphans never try?
Home made cookies!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
What's a penguin's favorite relative?
Aunt Arctic.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."
And her mom said, "WHAT?!"
And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"
Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."
Secretly, I’m a woman catfishing gay men on Grindr. When a notification from the app went off, my son told me, “I’ve heard that sound. Daddy has that game, too!”
I hate when my brother dates other people.
Just kidding! 😵😵😵😵
You know why orphans can't play baseball? 'Cause they can't find home.
What is an orphan's dad's job?
A magician because he makes himself disappear.
Why can't an orphan go on a field trip? They don't have a parent's signature.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
When you meet your gf at the family reunion.
What do you call an orphan if every other orphan gets picked?
Someone: Ugly?
Me: No, trick question, they are still an orphan.
Why did the orphan become a killer?
Because he knew they would not look for him.