Family jokes
The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.
Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."
Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"
Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."
Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”
I have an orphan joke, but it needs parental guidance.
My sister's boyfriend is pissed cuz I fucked his girl.
The little camel asks his mother: "Mum, why do we have these big humps?"
"Because in these humps there is some water, and in the hot desert we can drink."
"And Mum, why do we have this large fur?"
"Because the desert at night is so cold, and then we don’t feel cold."
"And Mum, why do we got these big hoofs?"
"Because the desert sand is hot, and the hoofs save us from the hot sand."
"But Mum, what the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?"
FOR REAL
Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!
A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.
What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.
What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.
Why can't orphans play at a McDonald's play place? They don't have parent supervision.
Why do orphans work boomerangs?
Because it's the only thing that comes back.
Is it bad to hit an orphan?
It's not like they'll tell their parents.
One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".
The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."
A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."
What does an orphan call a kidnapping?
A surprise adoption.
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"
He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."
Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.
Why did the orphan go to church?
To hear some "foster" parenting advice.
How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s dick.
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?
Why do orphans always have the newest iPhone?
Because it doesn’t have a home button.
What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.
What does an orphan and a military man not have in common? Neither gets to go back home.
What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?
They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."