Family jokes
Why can't an orphan play baseball or softball?
They can't find home. 🤣
My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.
The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true.
A woman walks onto the bus with her child. The driver says, "That's the ugliest child I have ever seen!" The woman sits down and tells her neighbor. The neighbor replies, "Go say something back. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you!"
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
I CANT AHAHAHA
Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?
Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.
My dad died in 9/11.
He was the best pilot I ever knew.
Son: Dad, I know I'm adopted.
Dad: Well, how do you know?
Son: I found the adoption papers.
Dad: That is for your mum.
If you know, you know.
Why are most absent dads mechanics?
They like to nut and bolt.
Do you ever look at a person and think, "Just how many generations of inbreeding did it take to create you?"
Me: Wanna play a game?
Sister: Ya, what is it?
Me: Tic tac toe.
Sister:?
Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.
Me: Tic tac toe.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.
Pornhub suggesting me MILF on Mother's Day...
Why are orphans not boomerangs? Because they never come back.
As siblings, we always joke about being adopted. It stops being funny when you're playing in your parents' room and find both of your adoption papers. : )
How to make an orphan's hands hurt: Make them clap their hands till their parents come back.
When you can’t see your adopted joke pop up, it’s the same as asking your adopted friend where their parents are and never finding it.
My family is like an apple tree. My sister is that ugly one that has to rot in.
What's the difference between Nemo and my dad?
Nemo was eventually found.
A kid asks his dad why his name is Experience. The dad says, "That's what we give our mistakes."