Family jokes
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"
He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."
Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.
What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.
Pornhub suggesting me MILF on Mother's Day...
Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?
Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.
What does an orphan call a kidnapping?
A surprise adoption.
I CANT AHAHAHA
Do trees pee?
How else do we have No. 1 pencils?
My entire family "TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!"
Me "OH NO" 💀
Do you ever look at a person and think, "Just how many generations of inbreeding did it take to create you?"
My dad died in 9/11.
He was the best pilot I ever knew.
What’s the difference between an orphan and a tomato?
The tomato gets picked.
Father: I am taking your toys to the orphanage.
Son: Why?
Father: You’ll need them there.
What's the difference between saying "bloody" in America and in the U.K.?
In the U.K., it's a swear word.
In America, it's a family reunion.
My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried—I think she’s jokingdkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf.
What movie do all orphans find relatable?
Spiderman: No Way Home.
Me: Wanna play a game?
Sister: Ya, what is it?
Me: Tic tac toe.
Sister:?
Takes out knife and rolls up sleeve.
Me: Tic tac toe.
Why do orphans always have the newest iPhone?
Because it doesn’t have a home button.
What does an orphan and a military man not have in common? Neither gets to go back home.
What did the trans woman say after finally telling her parents about her surgeries?
“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”
Son: Dad, I know I'm adopted.
Dad: Well, how do you know?
Son: I found the adoption papers.
Dad: That is for your mum.
If you know, you know.
What’s an orphan's favorite drink?
Fosters.
Why do orphans hate the color black? Because it reminds them of their dark history.