Family

Family jokes

Dad

Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.

Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.

  • 2
  • Status

    Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.

  • 4
  • Orphan

    Why do orphans like getting kidnapped? Because someone actually wants them. 🤣

    Mom

    Me: Mom, I'm tired.

    Mom: "Then go to sleep."

    Me: No, you don't understand-

  • 8
  • Super glue

    A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

    Orphan

    "Come on, man, give the orphans a break with these jokes."

    "No, not until their parents pick them up."

  • 9
  • Condom

    Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.

    Porn

    I almost got caught watching porn. My mom got the bill for the account, but luckily dad had my back. I mean, we do use the same account.

    Sibling

    As siblings, we always joke about being adopted. It stops being funny when you're playing in your parents' room and find both of your adoption papers.

    Costume party

    There was a costume party on Halloween. Everyone was there except one guy. Many people asked his brother where he was. His reply was, "Oh, he wanted to be our dad for Halloween."

    Orphanage

    Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."

    Kid: "Why are you doing that?"

    Dad: "So you won't get bored there."

    Death

    Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?

    Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Son: Why?

    Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.

    Orphan

    You tell an orphan joke to an orphan. You start laughing, they start crying. They say they are going to tell their mom. Then you start laughing harder.

  • 7
  • Parent

    When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

    Potato

    Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." *SMACK*! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie. *SMAACK*! She slapped Suzie. "Okay, Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."

    Difference

    What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an airplane landing strip? Don't know, neither did my dad.

    Dark Humor

    Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"

    Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."

    Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."

    Dad: "Exactly, son."

    Porn

    I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.