Family jokes

What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?

They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"

Me: Mom, should I kill the main character in the book I'm writing to make things more interesting?

Mom: Sure, honey! What type of book are you writing?

Me: It's an autobiography.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

When meeting her parents doesn't require you to leave the house.

Why do orphans go to church? Because they can finally call someone "father."

Why can orphans travel around so much? They never get homesick.

Why are there only 363 days in an orphan's calendar? They don't have Father's or Mother's Day.

What type of flour do you buy an orphan? Self-raising.

My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.

When your crush walks in class but you're homeschooled...

What do you call a group of redneck superheroes?

The Inbredibles.

My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, I can't wait to meet him! 🥰🥰🥰

How did Donald Trump win Alabama twice?

By declaring that he has a crush on his daughter!

What's the difference between puppies and orphans?

The puppies actually get adopted.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

Why don’t orphans work as computer repair technicians? Because they can’t find the motherboard.

I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

I hate family reunions.

I see too many of my ex's there.

Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got to see either of them, and they are now extinct.

One day, I saw a kid sitting on the curb dressed in rags. I asked if he was an orphan. He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?" I said, "His parents."