I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.
I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.
Lying bastard never came out.
What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."
What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?
Hookers come back.
Well, I'm off to the orphanage to tell "yo mama" jokes.
When Bubba's condom broke, he spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if he was going to be an uncle or a dad.
Dark humor jokes about orphans are funny because no parents are gonna be told.
Daughter: Dad.
Dad: Yes honey?
Daughter: I'm lesbian.
Dad: Ok.
Daughter 2: Dad.
Dad: Yes?
Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.
Dad: God, does anyone like boys around here?
Son: I do...
How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.
Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They wanted someone to call "daddy."
Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"
Genie: "Wish granted!"
When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.
My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
Father: "Son, you were adopted."
Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."
My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."
Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.
Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.
Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!
Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.
Teacher: What was that?
Alex: Flew the plane.
- Mommy, I want a bicycle!
- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!
April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."
"Knock knock."
Orphan: "Who's there?"
"Not your parents."
A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "You're adopted!" The sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"
