Family

Family jokes

Vasectomy

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

  • 8
  • Incest

    When Bubba's condom broke, he spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if he was going to be an uncle or a dad.

    Dad

    I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"

    Dad

    My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

    Lying bastard never came out.

  • 2
  • Dad

    What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?

    Hookers come back.

  • 5
  • Memes

    Mom

    What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."

  • 7
  • Orphan

    Dark humor jokes about orphans are funny because no parents are gonna be told.

    Orphan

    Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They wanted someone to call "daddy."

    Orphan

    How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.

  • 3
  • Batman

    Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"

    Genie: "Wish granted!"

    When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

    Adoption

    Father: "Son, you were adopted."

    Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

    Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

    Lesbian

    Daughter: Dad.

    Dad: Yes honey?

    Daughter: I'm lesbian.

    Dad: Ok.

    Daughter 2: Dad.

    Dad: Yes?

    Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.

    Dad: God, does anyone like boys around here?

    Son: I do...

    Trash

    My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."

    Dad

    Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.

    Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.

    Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!

    Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.

    Teacher: What was that?

    Alex: Flew the plane.

  • 5
  • Adoption

    A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "You're adopted!" The sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"