Family jokes

When Bubba's condom broke, he spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if he was going to be an uncle or a dad.

What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."

Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, "Mark, what would you like to eat?" Mark said, "I'd like some fucking potatoes." *SMACK*! Mother slapped Mark. She then asked Suzie, "What would you like to eat?" "Well, I'd like some fucking potatoes," said Suzie. *SMAACK*! She slapped Suzie. "Okay, Johnny, what would you like to eat?" "Well.... I sure as hell don't want no fucking potatoes."

Why can't orphans go on school trips?

"Parents signature _________"

I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.

Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"

Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."

Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."

Dad: "Exactly, son."

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"

What's the difference between my dad and a hooker?

Hookers come back.

Well, I'm off to the orphanage to tell "yo mama" jokes.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Daughter: Dad.

Dad: Yes honey?

Daughter: I'm lesbian.

Dad: Ok.

Daughter 2: Dad.

Dad: Yes?

Daughter 2: I'm lesbian too.

Dad: God, does anyone like boys around here?

Son: I do...

Why did the orphan become a prostitute? They wanted someone to call "daddy."

How does E.T. have an advantage over orphans? E.T. can actually phone home.

Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"

Genie: "Wish granted!"

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."

Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.

Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.

Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!

Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.

Teacher: What was that?

Alex: Flew the plane.

My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."

- Mommy, I want a bicycle!

- Shut up, Sam! You've already got your wheelchair!

April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."