Family jokes

Alright, my sister is ALWAYS dancing randomly all the time, and what I say is, "Go get you boyfriend, dude!"

Yo mama so hairy, when the baby came out, the baby died because of carpet burning!

I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.

My girlfriend broke up with me today, but it’s ok.

She said we can still be cousins.

This isn't a joke.

There was a homeless family in need of a room, but the guy said no more rooms because they were homeless. So, they got into a barn, and the mother gave birth to a young healthy boy. Before you say anything bad to a homeless man, that little boy was born on December 25th. Guess who it is.

JESUS CHRIST!!!!!! STOP HURTING THE HOMELESS PEOPLE AND START HELPING THEM!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a mother and a pigeon?

One doesn't eat their husband out.

Roses are red, your mother has said, "Come back again, and you'll be dead!"

When your mom tries to hit you with the belt but misses and hits herself... #victoryroyale

Once I sucked my mum's titties. Most adopted people won't know about that.

When you think your mom's a virgin, then you stumble into the wrong closet.

I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.

My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.

Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.

What is it called when you whoop a donkey?

A whooped ass and apparently some people get that everyday from their drunk dads.

I don’t know what’s worse: Finding bucket loads of porn on my dad’s laptop, or finding out he was in all of them.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because it's not original at all.

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."

I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.

Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.

How do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family.