Failure jokes

Thankfully, I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

I got rejected from art school today, so yeah.

Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.

What does Madeleine McCann and my old Xbox have in common?

They both died with red rings.

Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

Me and a person downtown.

Person: Hey, crazy Saturday night.

Me: I guess so.

Person: Why do people do crazy stuff like this?

Me: I don't know. I used to, but don't anymore.

Person: Why'd you stop?

Me: Unfortunately, I lived every time I'd try something.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike, if the rubber breaks, you're f**ked.